I WILL Be Okay

This is not my typical entry. First, it does not have a single picture! Second, it is a tad bit depressing. Bbut today, I am allowed to be a bit sad and angry. Tomorrow, I will pull myself back together again and enjoy life.

I probably shouldn't have, but I ran tonight.

Yesterday, I told you about the nagging irritation I had in my leg. Well, it was still there today and no matter what I did, it was not going away. So, I ALMOST decided to opt out until I received some not-so-good news.

A few months ago, I had surgery to help remove some areas of my body that were considered "per-cancerous." Just weeks following the procedure, I was given a thumbs up from the doctor, letting me know everything looked great. I was optimistic that I would feel stronger and healthier with each day since I rid myself of the abnormalities that were once thriving within my body.

Well, it tuned out I did not feel any better. I felt about the same. Actually, I started feeling pain that I did not have previously. I thought it was simply a part of the recovery process. Though, when I brought it to the attention of my doctor just last week, she told me that it was not typical to have the pain I was experiencing.

She examined everything as planned and told me I would hear back in about a week, as they sent the cell samples out for testing. I thought absolutely nothing of it. I was not worried. I had complete confidence that this surgery took care of me, regardless of the occasional pain I experienced.

Today, when I received the call with my results, I was already expecting to here that there were still some abnormalities. Apparently that is "normal" for what I had done. What I was not expecting to hear was that the abnormalities were worse and that I would have to come back for further exams.

My mind was a mess for the remainder of the work day. I cried several times over, blaming myself, blaming others, and just worrying about what this could actually do to my future. I don't want cancer, but I also don't want to continue this constant poking and prodding. Some of these appointments, where they are just "following up," are somewhat painful. They have become more painful after surgery. All those areas have become super sensitive from being sliced and burned through. So the very thought of having more tests done makes me cringe.

I went to my mom's after work, where I made the final decision to run. I contemplated my decision several times over, but with all of my emotion building, I thought the healthiest way to control it was by running and it was a gorgeous night out for it too.

I had 5 miles to re-organize my thinking and I was able to feel better about the situation about half way through. I did not come to any solution, but I felt stronger and more level-headed. My leg was slightly aggravated, but it felt surprisingly better. Maybe it will feel worse in the morning, but either way, my mind is at ease and that is all I wanted.

I don't know what is going to happen inside of my body as a result of these problems I have been having, but I think I will be okay.