Flashback Friday: When Skinny Isn't Everything

Timehop reminded me today that this image appeared on my Facebook 7 years ago.

I remember this day clearly. I was working at a daycare where they provided a Summer Camp program for kids aged 5-12. This image was taken during the End of Summer party we threw every year. It was during this year (2008), I was struggling with an eating disorder.

I was around 100 pounds and eating between 500-1000 calories a day. I worked out one, two, and sometimes three times a day. I remember that even though I had the strength to get a workout in, I didn't have much energy to get through the rest of my day. I found myself sitting a lot and getting dizzy spells often. My mind was also a mess and I felt like I was living in a haze. I was angry and depressed. My life had lost its flame.

Each day revolved around my body and food. It would make or break me.

One of my low moments was based around ice cream. I had an argument with my then-boyfriend because he only had butter pecan in his house. I thought that it was just too heavy in calories to even let a spoon of it hit my lips. My frustration led me to take it out on him. And to make matters worse, I had this argument with him on the day he was killed in a car accident. So not only did I let my relationship with food cause an argument with my boyfriend, but it was the last one I had with him. So stupid...

After Steve died in October of 2008, my relationship with food only got worse. I wasn't even concerned with eating at all. Before, I had a food plan. After, I didn't care to bother with one. I had to be reminded by my family to take time to eat and I barely would finish anything.

My weight continued to plummet. I hit the 90s in no time. Since I am 5'7", I was about 30 pounds under the "ideal" weight at the time.

I recall getting spells were my stomach would cramp painfully and I would begin to get cold sweats. I would have to lay down for about 20-30 minutes until I had the strength to move again. There was one time where I was back on my parent's farm in the middle of the night. I was about a half mile from the house when a spell came on. I seriously laid in the dirt until I was able to get on my feet again.

My body was starved and it was unable to function properly anymore. It was shutting down. I was slowly dying.

Obviously, I overcame this (a whole separate story), but it took some time. There are still days where the thoughts will creep in, but I remind myself of how GOOD I feel and how strong I am. I am happier and food is not my enemy. I lost so much of my young life because I was either too weak to do anything or because I was so frustrated with myself about my body. Frankly, it was a waste of time.

For those of you out there who may struggle with disordered eating, know that you can overcome it. It may be hard and it may hurt, but there are plenty of people here who have been through it too and have come out on top. Reach out. Talk to someone. Talk to me! Don't let the light in you waste away. You are worth more than a number on a scale.